Amazon’s big privacy sale! was awarded a patent for its method of gathering information about every click, review, purchase, browse and other thing you do at their site and churning it in a big ol’ database and figuring out all sorts of great consumer-oriented things about you, you, you, which it plans to sell to Satan so when you get to hell they’ll know what threadcount sheets you like on your brimstone.
Amazon says that they haven’t yet actually put all the systems and methods covered in the patent to use, but they plan on using information about you on your behalf to make your shopping experience that much more paranoid.
What really has the privacy dreamers up in arms (assuming they have any — no one knows, because everything about them is private, see?) is the baby profiling, in which toddlers are forced at gunpoint to reveal their age, sexual preference, political affiliations and driver’s licence numbers in order to keep a huge, secret government-controlled database on their whereabouts. Oh! And also every time you buy Catcher in the Rye, your face is scanned so they can follow everywhere you go. I saw that in a Mel Gibson movie, so you know it’s true!

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