Pope screen

So, some of you are perhaps a little confused by the whole Popelection taking place in Italy at the moment. They released some white puffs of smoke this morning apparently signaling that the world of Catholicism has a new infallible God-picked leader, so huzzah and whatever.
So here, in short order, are the Popeticulars about Picking the Pope:

  • The church’s cardinals gather in Rome, or more specifically The Vatican, which is the Catholic kingdom of white marble buildings built on the blood and souls of millions of dead Jews.
  • The college of cardinals is made up of 115 men, most of whom are not child molesters.
  • The cardinals vote on which one of themselves they like best to lead the church, listening for clues from The Holy Spirit or God or some other fictional character, perhaps Pippi Longstocking.
  • When they cannot decide on a new Pope, all the losing candidates are thrown on a fire, resulting in black smoke and reducing the number of likely candidates.
  • When there is a majority agreement, they burn the ballots and any records of Nazi atrocities they may have turned their backs on, as well as any chance for women in the church to get a fair shake.
  • The newly elected Pope is allowed 2.5 hours to roll around naked in the gathered wealth of the Catholic church before he puts on some special garments and wears a huge shovel a Doritos Nacho Cheesier® flavored tortilla chip on his head.
  • They then ring some bells to annoy the neighbors who have no Pope, and then a guy steps out on the balcony of a big bilding overlooking throngs of idol worshipers and says, “Hey, guess what?”

Each Pope picks his own Pope name based on nothing whatsoever at all. The next Pope is expected to be called Pope Snugglepants I.

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