Faster food

It is not enough, apparently, to be able to sit in your car and avoid walking the extra steps and using the extra energy required to get off your ass and get your own damned cheeseburger. Fast food “restaurants” in the U.S. are in a literal race to make getting your drive-thru order even speedier.

The current record holder, according to some company that actually goes out and tracks dumb shit like this, is Wendy’s. They’ve been #1 since 1997, but the lead in this race has been cut to just three-tenths of a second. Obviously, new sacrifices must be made!

What are Burger King and McDonald’s doing to become the fastest fast food purveyors? McDonald’s has joined in with other megacorporations and is using call centers to answer drive-up calls instead of those slow, stupid high school kids inside prepping your Nuggets. Burger King has installed prepared food monitors to keep track of how old a Whopper is before it’s presented to you in all its sloppy horror.

And Wendy’s just wants to make your drive-thru menu pause more comfortable — they’re replacing text with pictures so you’re less confused, and placing lovely shady awnings over the menu so it’s like a little parking lot oasis of blood-clotting fun!

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