24-Hour Party People

Hey there, general public! A new poll came out finding that members of the Tea Party (or, as we prefer to call them, the Teabaggers, which makes us snicker like little naughty boys playing Halo) are white, male, over-45 Republicans who don’t like the President because he’s doing more to help the poor than the middle class or the rich.

First question: Help the rich do what? What problems are the rich having that they need the President to pay more attention to them? He’ll pay 100% attention to them when it’s campaign time, so maybe they should lick their Wall Street wounds and take a Big Gulp of shut the fuck up. Getting all the poor, illiterate, backwards kissing cousins to come out with their misspelled signs and funny hats is one thing, but taking the time to complain because your money is causing too many problems for you to handle just makes us want to smack you with a tire iron.

Having problems because you’re rich? We’ll take all that filthy lucre off your hands and spend it wisely on things like shoes, fresh flowers, indoor hot tubs and wall-to-wall shag. Because frankly, old white dudes, we’re feeling about as sorry for you as we do for… someone we couldn’t give a rat’s ass about.

One thing we think you should definitely be out there buying are new 3-D TV sets. Seems that if you’re drunk, preggers, tired, epileptic, or strokey, you shouldn’t even be looking at them, special glasses or no. We’re planning to take a trip to Best Buy this weekend in the hopes of encountering a floor full of writhing, spitting, catatonic caterpillar-people watching golf on 50″ sets while losing control of their tongues and bowels, hopefully adjacent to each other. We never thought that 3-D was going to provide that much extra entertainment value, but boy were we wrong!

Speaking of wrong, if you’re one of the millions who bought Modern Warfare 2 last year, you may be interested to know that there may not be a Modern Warfare 3 – at least, not by “the people who brought you Modern Warfare 2!” Seems there’s strife at Activision and the team from Infinity Ward that created the Call of Duty franchise has lost eleven of its team in the field so far, and the battle’s only just beginning. The two top honchos were fired by the idiots at Activision (who’ve ruined more good things than Angelina Jolie, not including “Tomb Raider,” natch’) and now they’ve gone and formed a whole new company and have put out the “We’re Hiring!” invitation. When asked if they’re looking to poach from their team at Infinity, they demurred legally with terms like “not soliciting” before adding “we’re excited to get the team together.

You know. Like getting the band back together. Or the Rock Band.

Meanwhile, back here at World Domination HQ, things are progressing nicely. Not that we’ve made any progress or anything. Wait – is that what “progressing” means?

Well, shit.

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