The Perfect Sandwich

Seems like every­one is harsh­ing on the KFC for sim­ply doing what it should absolutely be doing with the intro­duc­tion of the Dou­ble Down, which is two slices of cheese and two pieces of bacon sand­wiched between deep-fried, KFC-trademarked “herbs and spices” breaded, bone­less chicken breast things with a quick slimy pass with some­thing called Colonel’s Sauce. As if any­thing less would be expected from a fast food restau­rant that has always spe­cial­ized in deliv­er­ing more or less exactly that.

We’re not sure what would make this thing any bet­ter? Do they want some sad, warm let­tuce leaves slid in there, too? Would a pickle help? Maybe adding a bun to the top and/or bot­tom so that it more closely resem­bles a reg­u­lar sand­wich? What if it was made of corned beef and swiss cheese with cole slaw and a schmear of Thou­sand Island dress­ing, instead?

Here’s the thing — this is KFfuck­ingC, isn’t it? How many of the peo­ple harp­ing against this thing would ever actu­ally set foot inside its doors? How many times in the past year have they grabbed a bucket of The Colonel’s and pulled the fam­ily to the table to enjoy its salty, pressure-cooked goodness?

The other thing? This is fried chicken, wrapped around bacon, wrapped around cheese, dipped in mayo. What, in that sen­tence, sounds hor­ri­fy­ing? This is not ass-fresh dog-doo, wrapped in a sweaty jock­strap, sur­rounded by asbestos, dipped in alley­way bar uri­nal.

The ulti­mate expres­sion of food per­fec­tion! (You know you want to bite the screen.)

Yet far and wide, voices are raised in hor­ror and protest that this, finally, is the last straw. This is as purely deca­dent and unre­deem­ing as any­thing Caligula ever dreamt of in his deviant, syphilitic brain. It’s the epit­ome of “every­thing that’s wrong” with Amer­ica, and the pic­ture post­card for a trip to hell in a handbasket.

Er, bucket.

Any­way, we’re here to staunchly defend — nay, to raise our voices in heraldic tri­umph for this mas­ter­piece of deli­cious­ness. We want to say here and now and for the record that we fully sup­port and praise KFC for con­coct­ing what is surely the finest exam­ple of food per­fec­tion the world has ever known.

What’s next? Do we assail Baskin Rob­bins for putting too much ice cream in a hot fudge sun­dae? Do we com­plain the next time our cheese­burger comes with too much bacon? Should we point fin­gers accus­ingly at the fry cook when he dunks the sliced pota­toes into the deep fat for the sec­ond time to crisp up our french fries, then gag and gog­gle when he has the audac­ity to put chili and cheese on top?

This is Amer­ica, god damn it. This is fried chicken and bacon coun­try. This is the land that invented the drive-thru and the ATM. So if you hate the Dou­ble Down, it’s clear that you hate Amer­ica.

This is Glass­dog, still wait­ing for McDonald’s to com­bine the McRib with the Sham­rock Shake to truly cre­ate the One True Food.