Seems like everyone is harshing on the KFC for simply doing what it should absolutely be doing with the introduction of the Double Down, which is two slices of cheese and two pieces of bacon sandwiched between deep-fried, KFC-trademarked “herbs and spices” breaded, boneless chicken breast things with a quick slimy pass with something called Colonel’s Sauce. As if anything less would be expected from a fast food restaurant that has always specialized in delivering more or less exactly that.
We’re not sure what would make this thing any better? Do they want some sad, warm lettuce leaves slid in there, too? Would a pickle help? Maybe adding a bun to the top and/or bottom so that it more closely resembles a regular sandwich? What if it was made of corned beef and swiss cheese with cole slaw and a schmear of Thousand Island dressing, instead?
Here’s the thing – this is KFfuckingC, isn’t it? How many of the people harping against this thing would ever actually set foot inside its doors? How many times in the past year have they grabbed a bucket of The Colonel’s and pulled the family to the table to enjoy its salty, pressure-cooked goodness?
The other thing? This is fried chicken, wrapped around bacon, wrapped around cheese, dipped in mayo. What, in that sentence, sounds horrifying? This is not ass-fresh dog-doo, wrapped in a sweaty jockstrap, surrounded by asbestos, dipped in alleyway bar urinal.
Yet far and wide, voices are raised in horror and protest that this, finally, is the last straw. This is as purely decadent and unredeeming as anything Caligula ever dreamt of in his deviant, syphilitic brain. It’s the epitome of “everything that’s wrong” with America, and the picture postcard for a trip to hell in a handbasket.
Anyway, we’re here to staunchly defend – nay, to raise our voices in heraldic triumph for this masterpiece of deliciousness. We want to say here and now and for the record that we fully support and praise KFC for concocting what is surely the finest example of food perfection the world has ever known.
What’s next? Do we assail Baskin Robbins for putting too much ice cream in a hot fudge sundae? Do we complain the next time our cheeseburger comes with too much bacon? Should we point fingers accusingly at the fry cook when he dunks the sliced potatoes into the deep fat for the second time to crisp up our french fries, then gag and goggle when he has the audacity to put chili and cheese on top?
This is America, god damn it. This is fried chicken and bacon country. This is the land that invented the drive-thru and the ATM. So if you hate the Double Down, it’s clear that you hate America.
This is Glassdog, still waiting for McDonald’s to combine the McRib with the Shamrock Shake to truly create the One True Food.