Here’s what we understand about Facebook, in no particular order
You never had any privacy in the first place.
A lot of people are complaining that Facebook is too invasive. They say that the service (which is free) is taking too many liberties with their freedom and asking too much of its members, sharing everything they do and say with everyone else.
Number one: Whuh huh? It was our impression that you choose to do or say whatever it is you are doing and saying on that service. You’re still on the internet, you’re still typing into a computer sending your words and images across public utilities onto servers you don’t own or even pay for, electing to do so every time you do it.
What’s the problem? Why are you on there if you don’t want them to broadcast what you’re doing on there? Isn’t that the point? Why do you stay there? Are you afraid of losing touch with all your “friends?” The same “friends” you admit you probably don’t want to know everything about, just like you don’t necessarily want them all to know everything about you?
Number two: Aren’t you the same person already broadcasting your sex life over your phone? Aren’t you the same person who’s wondering why they might have a problem at work if someone happens to check their profile and discover those pictures from that one week in Mexico where you “experimented” with sleeping with llamas? Aren’t you the same person who thinks that all that stuff you’re posting all over the web will magically disappear and be forgotten by Google and never ever turn up at the most inopportune moment? Isn’t that you?
You don’t have to join Facebook
Did we miss the memo that came down from the World Government and the Anti-Christ and the Templars and the group that forces Dan Brown to write novels with his feet that said everyone must join Facebook? Was there a declaration at the border of every country insisting no admittance without membership? Were there armed thugs (hot, shirtless armed thugs) we missed when they called because we were out getting a bagel?
Who said you had to be on Facebook in the first place? And what business is it of yours what the hell they do with their own services? What, you want your money back? You thought all this time they were like some “everything should be free!” zombies using Linux on home-built computers made of weed and Slurpee cups?
Of course they want your information! That’s your only value to them! Did you think they want you there because they like you? Facebook is not your grandmother. Facebook is the fascist hoard telling you not to worry because they have everything under control.
And no one ever said you had to be a Nazi.
Yes, we drew the Nazi card. Already!
Facebook is run by a douche
What’s your definition of a douche? Here’s ours:
Mark Zuckerberg, who likes to be called “Zuck” (which rhymes with both ‘suck’ and ‘fuck’ though we bet you thought that in your own head already) is 26 years old today. Yes, as luck (which rhymes with stuck) would have it, today is the C.E.O.’s birthday. Happy birthday, douche!
You do know, don’t you, that the man is cavalier about nearly everything in life, including other people’s (or, as he calls them, “dumb fucks“) privacy and other people’s ideas. Turns out the dude kind of stole the whole Facebook thing (allegedly) from some of his college douchebag friends (allegedly) and then built the thing on someone else’s servers before ripping it free of Harvard’s clutches and striking out on his own, leaving everyone in his wake. And you must also know that Viacom offered him $800 million for Facebook in 2005, which he turned down because he didn’t need the money.
He only needs your life, and all its details, so he can sell that instead! You’re worth far more than $800 million, and he’s known that all along.
Zuck, we salute you! If there was ever anyone to take the mantle of Bill Gates in terms of cold-hearted greedy bastards, you win!
Facebook’s days are numbered
Everything runs in cycles. Facebook is trying damned hard to break out of the ‘next big thing’ cycle that was previously held by such memorable sites as GeoCities, Friendster and MySpace. Facebook is spreading itself far and wide, casting its net around everything it possibly can. It has to be so important and so vast that you ignore it at your peril, because all the cool kids are there and you won’t be able to see anything or read anything without membership.
But that’s a bit backwards. You’ve already proved, as mentioned above, that you love sharing everything! You want people to see your pictures and your video! You want people to read your opinions! You crave an audience and want to be more popular than your friends, or their friends, or people you’ve never even heard of.
You can’t do that in a fenced-in garden unless everyone else is also inside the garden.
But Google kind of already has that territory staked out, the ‘outside the garden’ area, because everyone goes there to find everything. And everything is usually on Wikipedia or YouTube, anyway. What Facebook has in its arsenal – the only thing – is a vast membership of willing participants who will start doing everything through Facebook (buy things, sign in to things, post things) so they, in turn, can take all those things and all the data about you doing all those things (what’s popular? who’s popular? what are you buying? what are you watching? what are you talking about?) and sell it.
Because they know you’ll never pay to get access to Facebook. Why would you?
We should point out about now that there’s no use looking for us on Facebook. We’re not there. Anyone pretending to be us, isn’t. We have no profile, we have no interest in having a profile, and we trust Mark Zuckerberg about as far as we could throw him, which might actually be about four feet because he’s kind of wiry.
Why do we need Facebook when we have you? And we have this? This is all we will ever need? People who want to be here, people we ask nothing of in return, and people smart enough to know better.
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