Unconfirmed Rumors

Next week, Apple head honcho Steve Jobs will stand up on stage at Moscone Center in San Francisco during the company’s annual World Wide Developer’s Conference and announce a new iPhone that everyone has already seen.

The ice cream sandwich, as our lab boys are calling it (even available in two flavors, chocolate and vanilla) takes the familiar and comfy design of the current iPhone, sits it under a steam roller and adds a new front-facing camera so you can become even more annoyed with AT&T when you can’t complete your video conference.

The fact that everyone already knows about it means that perhaps Mr. Jobs’s biggest surprise is no surprise at all.

Or does it?

We’d like to posit some completely unfounded and spurious rumors in an attempt to short-circuit any actual surprises by announcing them here and now, even though all of these are completely made up.

iTunes gets a new name

When iTunes debuted, it was meant only as a music hub for your iPod. A way to manage all the music you’ve been illegally downloading in one place. But now, iTunes is also managing your iPhone and iPad (and probably whatever future iDevices the company coes up with) so leaving the ‘tunes’ part of it in there makes little sense.

The new name? We had a dickens of a time (rather, our marketing department did) coming up with a new monicker that encompasses everything the application manages now. It came down to two names. The winner?

iYou! iYou allows you (being you, or I, if you’re me) to manage all your you stuff, from apps to docs to movies to pet grooming supplies (using the new iPet). iYou is ever-present and talked to your iPad, iPhone, iPod, iWork, iMovie, and even iGarage iBand (also renamed).

The losing name? iI. Pronounced “Eee!” as in Wii.

New OS X interface

The company line is that WWDC 2010 will be all about the iPhone operating system. The company already introduced a bunch of new concepts for iPhone 4.0, but what about OS X? Will they really completely ignore their other operating system entirely?

Of course not! And keeping with its stance to innovate and create the most elegant and usable interface possible in a computer OS, OS X 10.7 (codenamed Pussy) will, shockingly, adopt many of the design principles introduced in Microsoft’s Windows 7!

I know!

The dock is gone, replaced with a series of mini-captures of every application on your computer so you can see what they would look like if you opened them all. Convenient! And the windows all use opacity and transparency everywhere so you can actually see through one application into the other, creating an invisible and infinite desktop on which everything is always visible.

Plus! OS Pussy’s new “snap” feature will tile all your applications into similar-sized windows inside themselves, and the long-suffering ‘Graphite’ interface has been completely replaced with what’s dubbed ‘Candy Store,’ where every bevel is shiny, every drop shadow is soft and fuzzy, and the color scheme has been borrowed from Juicy Couture, circa 2002. Think pink, everybody!

Another brand new mobile device

Everyone’s seen iPhone 4, already, but you didn’t think that was all the company had up its sleeve, did you? Puh-shaw! Everybody knows mobile is the future, and that the future is mobile. And what is mobile? Mobile is moving! Mobile is slim and sleek and fast and electromagnetic!

Presenting iStick! While the iPad took an iPod Touch and ironed it out so it was bigger and flatter, iStick rolls it into a doobie and lights it up! A magic wand for the future, iStick allows you to record your thoughts be speaking into one end, and listen to them by sticking the other end in your ear. No keyboard, no touching, just you, a stick, and lots of words to post to your Facebook account or Twitter feed. Words, words, words! What could be simpler?

Also, they’ve come up with a brilliant catch phrase for using the device: “Stick it!”

Apple tv replacement

Those of us die-hard Apple devotees know that Apple tv is kind of a stupid device. Even the company calls it little more than a ‘hobby,’ though at nearly $300, that’s a bit more of a commitment than scrap-booking.

Some recent rumors suggest that they’re going to update or replace the current slap of hot-running aluminum (seriously, you can use this thing as a griddle if you’re not actually interested in downloading movies from iYou) with a slim device that has no on-board memory and only two inputs; power + HDMI. It’ll run the iYou OS and grab everything from the cloud.

We call bullshit! Instead, Apple will double the physical size of the unit, add in 2 terabytes of hard drive space, include 17 ports (12 of which are USB 3) and make it into your “home port,” tying your MacBook, iMac, iPhone, iPod(s), iPhone(s), iPad(s) and iStick(s) together, all dongling off the backside and uploading and downloading into a central courtyard of data and pulling out what each one needs. You say WiFi is how everything should connect? No, my friends, if Apple knows one thing, it knows cables! And new connectors! Mini-displayport! Mini-DVI! Hyper-mini-tiny-HDMI with double digital firewall protection that allows studios and TV networks to know exactly what you’re trying to rip off from them and allows them to erase things they don’t even own out of spite!

Apple tv? Gone. Introducing Apple DMCA Hub! Controlling and policing everything you’re watching, listening to and reading, while making sure you know that you never owned any of it.

Stevebot

This has been a long time coming and now they’re finally ready to reveal their most secret and super special invention.

Remember when Steve disappeared for a while? And they said he was sick? And then that other guy took over for a while? And then Steve came back – only he looked… different?

That’s Stevebot! And Apple is finally ready to explain the creation of an animatronic, low-maintenance, high-capacity android C.E.O. replacement vehicle. Stevebot performs all the usual duties of a corporate officer without the headaches of back-dated stock offers and trying to make excuses like “we’re only human” when millions of barrels of toxic sludge inundate your favorite shoreline.

Stevebot is cheap, because only the head and hands need to be “human,” everything else is covered up with denim and black turtlenecks. He only needs to move around a little on a stage, and sometimes appear at coffee shops with other corporate executive bots. Meanwhile, Stevebot frees up the real Steve to do all the more important things like destroy historic homes and park in handicapped spots.

One more thing

We’ve extensively researched these findings and are pretty confident that all of them, to some extent, are almost entirely true. We’ve already lubed up our orifices for new iStick insertion and can’t wait for the Apple media police to knock down our doors, ransack our apartments, deny us entrance and explain that it’s all for the good of corporate secrecy.

This is glassdog! The last bastion of truth in a world of hypocrites and liars.

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