It has come to our attention that the United States Supreme Court is of the opinion that corporations should be enjoying “free speech” rights, but only as far as contributing to political candidates and causes. It is perhaps an unsurprising turn of events, since corporations have been growing more and more inhuman (and therefore human) as the years pass, delivering toxic goods in the form of inexpensive foodstuffs and trying to convince us that smoking is bad and therefore good for us.
With that in mind, we’d like to propose a few more laws that need better definition or simple institutionalization in American society. Just a few simple steps to improve the lives of average Americans and average American corporations so we can all get along better.
The Elevator Waiting Law
Maybe it’s just us, but it sure is annoying when you’re trying to exit an elevator, only to have to be pushed back onto it by the pile of friendly, patient riders trying to get on. Unfailingly, this occurs when the elevator reaches the bottom floor, where there are hoards just waiting with nothing to do but crane their necks at the descending floor numbers while they wait the arrival of the conveyance.
We’d like to propose that those people must stay back from the doors at least three feet until those already on the elevator – and we mean all of the passengers who want to disembark – have had a chance to do so. There will be no elbowing or shouldering or other-limbing to wedge oneself inside before the others have opened up space.
Violators of this law will be hit about the face and neck with raw fish. If raw fish is unavailable due to overfishing, a plywood 2×4 is a suitable substitute.
A related law is the Stand On the Right, Walk On the Left Law, which applies to all escalator and “moving sidewalk” riders. The rule is self-explanatory. Violators may be “goosed” or “shit-needled” by having fingers forcibly inserted into their rectums until they either move over to the correct space or start to walk as designated.
The Sidewalk Sharing Law
Our cities sidewalks can be made more comfortable if parties of three or more are no longer allowed to walk abreast. Two abreast will be the limit.
This will mean that pedestrians going both ways can easily share the same sidewalk without resorting to prescribed lanes for each direction, and that faster pedestrians have room to pass slower pedestrians without either stepping into the flow of traffic or walking in decorative planters designed to create the illusion of nature.
In cases of an odd number of persons in a party, the odd number must walk at the tail-end of the group and may make faces or mimic the stupid and inane observations of any other member of the group at leisure. Others must pair off, even with those persons they cannot abide or who do not have the sense God gave them to use a deodorant or mouthwash while in public.
Violators may be physically pushed off the sidewalk and forced by cattle prod to walk in the gutter or bike lane.
Additionally, any bicyclist who uses a sidewalk to bypass the normal traffic rules that apply to any and all vehicles may be verbally abused in any manner and held up by “slow walkers.” They must also remain quiet when told “It’s a sidewalk! Sidewalk!”
The Airport Line Law
Everyone but the few lucky first class passengers knows that waiting through the security line at the airport is no one’s fault, and than everyone has to go through the degrading, passive-aggressive nature of the act. It may save lives, and it certainly makes us all feel more like children who cannot be trusted to bring drinking water on board an airplane.
Waiting in line for a ticket, or boarding pass, or seat assignment is another case of having to do something that should be a lot simpler to do. One can normally get this done online, now, and walk up to a computer kiosk and swipe a credit card and bypass the whole shebang, but there are always exceptions to that rule and sometimes you need to go talk to an actual human and negotiate the procurement of a slip of paper that gets you onboard.
Recently, the added benefit of a free prostate exam and cancer screening – or is it that the screening gives you cancer? so confusing! – adds to the benefits and joys of waiting in line to get mugged. Since the inevitable is unavoidable (and that’s why it’s called that) we suggest a new law that requires everyone waiting to pass through security be fully naked. Also: no more carry-ons at all. All that shoving and organizing and complaining about not having enough overhead compartments goes away, and it opens up all that space for sex, since you’re already naked.
The Birthday Celebration Cessation Law
After a certain point, celebrating birthdays becomes redundant. There are anniversary dates, like turning any age ending in zero, but beyond a certain point – say, once you can legally drink, which seems to be the last thing to happen to you, because you can already drive and have sex but anyone will tell you that either and both of those things is better with drinking, anyway, so why bother? – it’s just silly if not stupid to continuing throwing parties for yourself in celebration of your date of birth.
We’re not against parties at all, of course, we’re only against having birthday parties which should require pinning tails on things and Barbie doll dressing and lots of screaming, though that screaming should not be occurring because you’re looking in the mirror. So: No birthday parties for anyone after the age of 21. Any other parties, have at it. Otherwise, we’re sending in the police and having your sagging, wrinkled ass arrested.
The Medicinal Marijuana for Everyone Law
Just start growing it and smoking it now. How else are you expected to make it through this hell?
The President of the Future Law
Films may no longer cast African-American actors in the role of the President to simulate a future world where an African-American man could actually be elected President. All films based in times yet to come must now cast women, openly homosexual actors, chimps, or openly-lesbian chimps (aka “The Trifecta”) in that role.