Author Archives: Dick Septic

Dear Patriots Fans,

Ok, so you are a FUCKING DYNASTY. Whatever. Shut up about it already.

Posted in The Sporting Life | Comments Off on Dear Patriots Fans,

No Dick in ’08

V.P. Dick Cheney has ruled out a run for the White House in 2008. “… I’ve got my plans laid out. I’m going to serve this president for the next four years, and then I’m out of here.” Mr. Cheney … Continue reading

Posted in Politics As Usual | Comments Off on No Dick in ’08

Yankees Pitchers and Catchers To Report

“In a victory for same-sex marriage advocates, a New York state judge in Manhattan ruled today that denying gay couples licenses to marry violates the State Constitution, and she ordered the city to begin issuing licenses in March unless a … Continue reading

Posted in Politics As Usual | 1 Comment

Who do I have to fuck around here to get my welfare check??

An unemployed 25-year old german woman, let’s call her “Hasselhoffia”, is at risk to lose her unemployment benefits because she refuses to go to work in a brothel. Under Germany’s welfare reforms, any woman under 55 who has been out … Continue reading

Posted in What a world! What a world! | Comments Off on Who do I have to fuck around here to get my welfare check??

Fiendster

Mr. Westberg, a convicted sex offender who will rightfully go to hell someday, was lonely. So he did what any number of other people do when they’re lonely: he went online. So where does a convicted sex offender go for … Continue reading

Posted in The Wonderful WWW | Comments Off on Fiendster

Surprise. Stupid schools make stupid kids.

The Knight Foundation recently sponsored a million dollar study on how today’s high school kids view the First Amendment. CNN, who used to employ Tucker Carlson, who is STILL a dick, puts it like this: The way many high school … Continue reading

Posted in Politics As Usual | Comments Off on Surprise. Stupid schools make stupid kids.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Tired of sharing a satelite with Satan? Could the real reason God doesn’t answer your calls be that your cell service is cluttered with abortionists, atheists and homos? Switch on over to Pro-Life Communications! The first-ever Christian Wireless Network*. Get … Continue reading

Posted in Tech Heaven/Tech Hell | Comments Off on Oh, for fuck’s sake.

The Proper Way to Cook Rice

Condoleeza Rice, who the neighbors’ children weren’t allowed to play with as a child for fear that she would disembowel and eat them, was taken to task at her confirmation hearing by Senator Barbara Boxer, who appears to be one … Continue reading

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Who’s Gonna Love Charlie Graner?

Charlie Graner Jr. is the first of the fun-lovin’ Abu Ghraib guards to go on trial. A military juror is now pretend-deliberating his fate. He’s charged with conspiracy, assault, dereliction of duty and committing indecent acts and could get 17 … Continue reading

Posted in Daily Doldrums | Comments Off on Who’s Gonna Love Charlie Graner?

Return To The Planet Of The Apes

The fine state of Georgia, which God in his or her infinite wisdom placed in the South and just downwind of Florida, is being told to remove the “Evolution is a theory” stickers that it so giddily decided to place … Continue reading

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