Next time you look in the mirror and wish your ass was higher, or open up a magazine and wonder at the smoothness of your favorite star's skin, compared with the dimples and bruises and hey - is that a pimple or a mosquito bite? Reassure yourself that no one actually looks like that. ...

"You call yourself a Christian, I call you u a hypocrite/You call yourself a patriot, well I think you're full of shit." That's one of the lines from the song "Sweet Neo Con" that'll be at the top of every liberal's iTunes list come September 5th, when The Rolling Stones' new album, "A Bigger Bang," comes out. When asked about the hidden meanings behind the lyrics, U.S. citizen Keith Richards said, "It's not really metaphorical." 98-year-old lead singer Mick Jagger called it "direct." A Virgin spokewoman here in the states was quick to deny that the song is about Shrub or anyone...

Having conquered the world of Jesus sadism fetish films, Mel Gibson is now turning his attention the equally small but probably much less lucrative sphere of Mayan language movies. Gibson is teaming up with Disney to make "Apocalypto," to be shot on location in Mexico using unknown actors who will speak all the dialog in Mayan. "I'm confident that there's a huge audience of Mayans out there who aren't being catered to by Hollywood," the insanely dedicated actor/director did not say. "My plan is to make a series of films about a crazy Mayan police officer and his Incan partner, an...

On what Janice Crouse from Concerned Women for America is calling "a sad day for America," Viacom is launching their gay-themed network, Logo, on Thursday. And in what can only be labeled the best reason to have the channel, Crouse went on to say that, like MTV, she sees it "as indoctrination of children to present the gay lifestyle as something that's normal, as something they don't have any choice over." Speaking as an "official gay" to any impressionable straight children out there who may be considering or are curious about becoming homosexuals, let me explain that actually, you can't. Only...

The San Francisco Chronicle goes out on the web to round up some of the more pithy comments that the world press has to say about the White House adminstration's "weasel words on Iraq." And what they smell on the wind from Washington is more than a whiff of desperation. What they would like to hear more of is truth, and much less rhetoric. The news of death and destruction emerging daily from Iraq isn't mirroring the more rosy and hopeful pictures that Bush & Co. keep spouting just as quickly, calling such comments "indefensible," "desperate," and "counterproductive." ...

Google launched a beta of their Video Upload Program today, giving everyone with a camcorder and a dream a chance to share that really amusing movie they made of their uncle getting hit in the nuts with a baseball bat. The service includes no server space or number of video limitations, so you can start clearing your own hard drive of all that crap and let them take care of it for you! Google assumes no copyright over your content at all, but they do require that you own the copyright for anything and everything you intend to load up to...

Okay, so, a comedian, self-described on her web site as "The Most Trusted Name in News About Monkees Eating Ice Cream," is a witness in the on-going media circus known as the Michael Jackson child molestation trial. And, even better and/or more weird than that, she's testified that on the night of the infamous broadcast showing His Weirdness holding hands with the boy accusing him of unlawful diddling, the mother called to report to her that "these people are evil." The comedian, who also works for Clear Channel Communications so she knows a thing or two about evil people, admitted that...

The Roman Catholic Church's Department of Redundancy Department has gone on the offensive against Dan Brown, calling the author's best-selling work of fiction, The Da Vinci Code, a work of fiction. The church, apparently scared that people will believe the novel's elaborate plotline involving the children of the marriage between Jesus and Mary Magdalene, as well as the journey of Santa Claus to Venice where he and The Easter Bunny team up with The Lone Ranger and Superman to uncover the evil plot of Hitler, Mao Tse Tung, Stalin, Satan, The Pillsbury Doughboy and Barbra Streisand to blow up the Eiffel...

Khaled Hosseini, an internist at Kaiser Hospital in Mountain View, California wrote his first book by rising at 5AM and working on it for two hours a day before going to work. The Kite Runner is currently atop The New York Times paperback best-seller list and has sold 70,000 copies in hardcover and 1.25 million paperbacks. He had never written a book before. The story of how a first-time author (at 40 years old) managed to become a best-selling author on his first try goes like this: Write a really good book. Get it into the hands of independent bookstores, forget...

If you think there's nowhere left for advertisers to plaster their colorful and obnoxious wares, think again. The latest and greatest surface for telling you what to buy because your life suck? Human skin. It probably didn't start with him, but let's blame Andrew Fischer of Omaha, anyway. He's the guy who auctioned off the space on his ample forehead for $37,375 on eBay to winning bidder SnoreStop. For the price, he had to wander around everyday with their logo and blurb ("It simply works") plastered on his greasy head for a month. Now, agencies have popped up that will line up...