Privacy

At Glass­dog World Dom­i­na­tion, we have gone to great lengths to imple­ment fair infor­ma­tion prac­tices that are designed to pro­tect your pri­vacy. For the most part. We believe that every­one ben­e­fits from the free flow of infor­ma­tion, and we pledge to gather and use infor­ma­tion about you. Respon­si­bly. Gather it about you respon­si­bly, is of course what we meant to say. We wel­come vis­i­tors to our site, and we want to make sure that you are com­fort­able. So before you explore any fur­ther, we want you to get naked… uh, no, um, know! We want you to know about a few ways in which we ensure that doing busi­ness on the net is a plea­sur­able and prof­itable expe­ri­ence for everyone.

What We Know About You

This site col­lects infor­ma­tion about you, includ­ing your weight, under­wear pref­er­ence and favorite kitchen smell. In addi­tion, infor­ma­tion you agree to pro­vide us when reg­is­ter­ing for a free facial and colonic, such as your name, title, com­pany name(s), address, tele­phone num­ber, fax num­ber, credit card infor­ma­tion, sex­ual ori­en­ta­tion, lat­est book read and the names of every­one you know who might want to try and kill you is col­lected and retained. For­ever. We may ver­ify or com­bine this infor­ma­tion with data about you that we have gath­ered from other sources (friends, rel­a­tives, your neigh­bor who hates you and may want to try to kill you, but you didn’t hear that from us) or may already have in our files or snuck a look at when we were at the IRS last time we were in DC.

How We Use What We Learn

We com­pile and use this infor­ma­tion so that we may keep you apprised of upcom­ing events, send you use­less infor­ma­tion and adver­tis­ing, and design, cus­tomize, and offer new prod­ucts and ser­vices that may be of inter­est to you. Or not. Mostly, we want to irri­tate you. Is this irri­tat­ing you:

I’m not touch­ing you!
Is this both­er­ing you?
I’m not touch­ing you.

Thank you, we have recorded your reac­tion for our records. We may also be con­tact­ing you in the future regard­ing all those things you did in High School that didn’t make it onto your per­ma­nent record, as well as most of the things that did. Have your credit card stand­ing by.

What We Tell Oth­ers About You

From time to time, we may be approached by third par­ties with an inter­est in iden­ti­fy­ing glass­dog vis­i­tors. Per­haps they are in a sim­i­lar busi­ness and have a prod­uct to offer that would inter­est our mem­bers, or they may be col­lect­ing infor­ma­tion for research or for some other legit­i­mate pur­pose. Per­haps we think it’s pretty fuck­ing funny when we sell your infor­ma­tion to tele­mar­keters and require that they call you just as you’re sit­ting down to din­ner. Per­haps you’ll be walk­ing down the street one day? Y’know? And you see this guy on the street head­ing in your direc­tion, and he’s wear­ing this long, black over­coat. Yeah. So, this guy? Per­haps he’s car­ry­ing, oh, let’s say, a gun! Yeah! And a mon­key! And some KY Jelly! And, um, well, we’ve said too much already. We may from time to time pro­vide our mail­ing list to such third par­ties if we believe you would be inter­ested in hear­ing from them. In fact, you’re pretty much guar­an­teed that in our opin­ion, you’d be pleased as punch to have them call­ing you at all hours. We’re like that.

Choices You Have

Some choices are avail­able to you with respect to the infor­ma­tion that you have pro­vided to us. But none worth mentioning.

WAIT! THAT’S NOT ME!

We want to make sure that the infor­ma­tion that we have about you is up-to-date and accu­rate. For exam­ple, maybe your name is Jane Doe, not John Doe, and you are receiv­ing e-mail directed to Mr. Doe. Or maybe you had your willy cut off. Or maybe some­body came up to you and said, “Your name’s Jane Doe!” And, like a schmuck, you believed them. Or maybe you’re a com­plete imbe­cile and just believe every­thing you read on the Web, in which case we can assure you that your name really is Jane Doe and you bet­ter go get a new pass­port or you’re stuck here for­ever. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha.

More Than Words

A pri­vacy assur­ance pol­icy is point­less with­out a com­mit­ment to enforce­ment. We have inter­nal con­trols to assure that the infor­ma­tion we have learned about you is as accu­rate as pos­si­ble. In addi­tion, we reg­u­larly review our prac­tices to make cer­tain that we uphold our pledge to you to act respon­si­bly. We hold other enti­ties that have con­trac­tual arrange­ments with us to col­lect or use per­sonal infor­ma­tion to the same high stan­dards of respect for con­sumer pri­vacy that we adhere to. Addi­tion­ally, we reserve the right to refuse to do busi­ness with any entity that does not agree to abide by such stan­dards. Oh, fuck all that. We should have just stopped at “A pri­vacy assur­ance pol­icy is pointless.”

Any Ques­tions?

As you ven­ture into cyber­space, you needn’t be con­cerned that you must sac­ri­fice your per­sonal pri­vacy by going online. Just accept it as a given and get on with things. You really think any­one cares whether the last site you vis­ited was pop­u­lated with pic­tures of men and women lick­ing the nether parts of poo­dles? Is it impor­tant that we know what you do out here, we fol­low every click, record every file, fol­low your every move? It is impor­tant to rec­og­nize that the infor­ma­tion you pro­vide con­tributes to “the free flow of infor­ma­tion that forms the foun­da­tion of the vibrant democ­racy in which we live.” There, feel bet­ter? For more infor­ma­tion on our Pri­vacy Assur­ance Pol­icy, don’t e-mail us at privacy@glassdog.com because we don’t mon­i­tor or answer any mes­sages sent there.

Enjoy your visit! None of the above infor­ma­tion is true, except the part about the monkey.