At Glassdog World Domination, we have gone to great lengths to implement fair information practices that are designed to protect your privacy. For the most part. We believe that everyone benefits from the free flow of information, and we pledge to gather and use information about you. Responsibly. Gather it about you responsibly, is of course what we meant to say. We welcome visitors to our site, and we want to make sure that you are comfortable. So before you explore any further, we want you to get naked… uh, no, um, know! We want you to know about a few ways in which we ensure that doing business on the net is a pleasurable and profitable experience for everyone.
What We Know About You
This site collects information about you, including your weight, underwear preference and favorite kitchen smell. In addition, information you agree to provide us when registering for a free facial and colonic, such as your name, title, company name(s), address, telephone number, fax number, credit card information, sexual orientation, latest book read and the names of everyone you know who might want to try and kill you is collected and retained. Forever. We may verify or combine this information with data about you that we have gathered from other sources (friends, relatives, your neighbor who hates you and may want to try to kill you, but you didn’t hear that from us) or may already have in our files or snuck a look at when we were at the IRS last time we were in DC.
How We Use What We Learn
We compile and use this information so that we may keep you apprised of upcoming events, send you useless information and advertising, and design, customize, and offer new products and services that may be of interest to you. Or not. Mostly, we want to irritate you. Is this irritating you:
Thank you, we have recorded your reaction for our records. We may also be contacting you in the future regarding all those things you did in High School that didn’t make it onto your permanent record, as well as most of the things that did. Have your credit card standing by.
What We Tell Others About You
From time to time, we may be approached by third parties with an interest in identifying glassdog visitors. Perhaps they are in a similar business and have a product to offer that would interest our members, or they may be collecting information for research or for some other legitimate purpose. Perhaps we think it’s pretty fucking funny when we sell your information to telemarketers and require that they call you just as you’re sitting down to dinner. Perhaps you’ll be walking down the street one day? Y’know? And you see this guy on the street heading in your direction, and he’s wearing this long, black overcoat. Yeah. So, this guy? Perhaps he’s carrying, oh, let’s say, a gun! Yeah! And a monkey! And some KY Jelly! And, um, well, we’ve said too much already. We may from time to time provide our mailing list to such third parties if we believe you would be interested in hearing from them. In fact, you’re pretty much guaranteed that in our opinion, you’d be pleased as punch to have them calling you at all hours. We’re like that.
Choices You Have
Some choices are available to you with respect to the information that you have provided to us. But none worth mentioning.
WAIT! THAT’S NOT ME!
We want to make sure that the information that we have about you is up-to-date and accurate. For example, maybe your name is Jane Doe, not John Doe, and you are receiving e-mail directed to Mr. Doe. Or maybe you had your willy cut off. Or maybe somebody came up to you and said, “Your name’s Jane Doe!” And, like a schmuck, you believed them. Or maybe you’re a complete imbecile and just believe everything you read on the Web, in which case we can assure you that your name really is Jane Doe and you better go get a new passport or you’re stuck here forever. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha.
More Than Words
A privacy assurance policy is pointless without a commitment to enforcement. We have internal controls to assure that the information we have learned about you is as accurate as possible. In addition, we regularly review our practices to make certain that we uphold our pledge to you to act responsibly. We hold other entities that have contractual arrangements with us to collect or use personal information to the same high standards of respect for consumer privacy that we adhere to. Additionally, we reserve the right to refuse to do business with any entity that does not agree to abide by such standards. Oh, fuck all that. We should have just stopped at “A privacy assurance policy is pointless.”
As you venture into cyberspace, you needn’t be concerned that you must sacrifice your personal privacy by going online. Just accept it as a given and get on with things. You really think anyone cares whether the last site you visited was populated with pictures of men and women licking the nether parts of poodles? Is it important that we know what you do out here, we follow every click, record every file, follow your every move? It is important to recognize that the information you provide contributes to “the free flow of information that forms the foundation of the vibrant democracy in which we live.” There, feel better? For more information on our Privacy Assurance Policy, don’t e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org because we don’t monitor or answer any messages sent there.
Enjoy your visit! None of the above information is true, except the part about the monkey.